I hate Allergies and the Weather

So it’s springtime here in the great state of Minnesota…for the next 15 minutes.

I hate Minnesota weather. It drives me up the wall. It’s gorgeous one day and absolutely wretched the next, and it makes it impossible to figure out what I should wear. Inevitably, I am too hot or too cold and bitch about it the entire day.

Spring is the worst. The snow melts and all the mold gets into the air, making me miserable and rendering me useless for a good day and a half. And then, suddenly, a shitpile of snow falls, covering the mold, and then melts a day later, kicking up more mold, making me more miserable and wanting to hit my head against a brick wall.

I am sick of Minnesota playing this “just the tip” game with the weather. Come on, feel that sunshine. Doesn’t it feel good? Don’t you want it to be sunny? Won’t you come outside and enjoy the sunshine? JUST KIDDING, here’s 8 more inches of snow. And oh, look, more sun, don’t you want more of it? Don’t you just want to try it? RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN.

SCREW YOU, Minnesota weather, I call SHENANIGANS. And I am NOT a microwave, you can’t just pop spring in and out like this. UNFAIR.

I also really dislike driving when it is raining. Not because I feel like I cannot drive in those conditions, but because other drivers clearly can’t. They drive 20 miles under the speed limit and swerve all over the road as if their car has a mind of its own. Seriously. It’s rain. It’s not going to hurt you. You aren’t going to melt. I promise that if you drive the speed limit you are not more likely to get in an accident and kill yourself. And I’m not going to write the obvious thought I have down, because it is fairly mean and bitchy, and even though I’m mean and bitchy, I am in a pretty good mood today.

Lately I have been having issues with food. On several levels. I’m hungry for something and I can’t figure out what so I’m always dissatisfied with what I eat. This makes eating far less enjoyable. So I try to eat as much as I can in hopes that I will find the thing I’m hungry for…and instead I gain like 100 pounds. AWESOME. I didn’t want to wear those jeans anyway, all cute and little and NOT FITTING MY HUGE ASS. Sonaofabitch.

Also I have really bad acid reflux. This is not a fun time for me. Every time I eat there’s significant burnination in my esophagus. I have been taking meds for it for a few months now and even though I take my pill every day there is still burnination. Unfair. I don’t like it. Even drinking water gives me acid reflux. It could seriously take the tarnish off of your silverware. Not even joking a little.

I’m assuming this is from my harsh, abrasive, burny personality. KIDDING. Maybe. But seriously, I don’t know why this is happening and I’m pretty damn sick of it. Also don’t tell me to go to the doctor because I don’t have health insurance and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna pay a shit ton to have a doctor tell me to keep doing what I’m doing, and they don’t understand why it keeps happening (which is what they told me the last time).

I fell at work the other day. Hit a pothole in the grass and biffed it completely, sending my files flying and getting dirt all up on my pants. My DRY CLEAN ONLY pants which are now going to be placed in the washing machine, because I am not sending them out to be cleaned. The worst part of all is the guy in the motorized wheelchair coming up to me and laughing at me, whatever dude, you are in a WHEELCHAIR, you have no rights to laugh at me and my hurt pride!!

I really liked Juno, so I think I’m going to try to procure a copy of Diablo Cody’s first book Candy Girl, which is about her life as a stripper in Minnesota. Pretty sweet, I think. Also I really want to see Young @Heart, I think it looks amazing.

SO that’s the update from me thus far, since I’ve gotten crap about not posting recently. SORRY I have been writing a ridiculous paper for my seminar class about child abuse and domestic assault and it is hard to be funny and obnoxious when you’ve got that on your mind. Although I’m now taking applications for “BUY ME A BEER I AM GRADUATING” peeps, so if you want to come out with me some time and buy me a beer to celebrate my 20+ years of schooling, that’s pretty awesome.