I hate being a grown up.

Law school graduation is near, and to be honest, I’m terrified.

Seems stupid, right? 22+ years of schooling, I should be freaking ECSTATIC to be done, and in a way, I am…but at the same time, I’m really scared.

The job market here blows goats, and when your debt is more than the price of a nice house in the ‘burbs, you start to worry a little. Especially because now that I know exactly what I want to do, I’m not willing to sell out and take a job that’s not in criminal law in some form, regardless of the paycheck.

And that’s really what scares me the most. Not getting to do what I want to do and what I love. I have found a passion for something and more than anything it’s what I want to do, and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to do it.

It’s just weird, too. The whole finally being a lawyer thing. Being 25 and being a grown up. I just don’t feel “grown up.” I’ve admired lawyers my whole life, looked up to them…and even now, working with them for years, I still don’t feel as if I’m on a level playing field. I don’t even feel like I can make it to the same level. I know that the people I work with are my colleagues and soon enough (provided I pass the bar) I’ll be held to the same level and esteem they are, but I still feel like a little sprout when it comes to the whole “being a lawyer” thing. Even people who have recently passed the bar and are really only a year ahead of me in being licensed, I just don’t feel like that’s where I’m at either, or where I will be come October. I can’t even begin to explain it other than that I sound like a total pussy and that I’m scared of the real world and scared of graduating and really could just use a hug.

It’s like having a dream your whole life, like maybe being an astronaut, and you go to school for so long, and then suddenly you get to be put on a moon mission and WHAM, you’re an astronaut. Except when you become an astronaut they make you do all this special training and in law school they don’t really require you to go through the special training, and then you’re up in space and you realize after takeoff you’ve forgotten to strap yourself in properly because no one told you how to do it. I worry that will happen to me. Not that I’m going up in space anytime soon but that I’ll do the wrong thing and end up the laughingstock of the crim law community.

SHENANIGANS on irrational fear of failure. Cause that’s definitely what I’ve got right now. And the thing is I’ve got a lot of skills and I’m pretty good at what I do (or at least I like to think so) and I probably have a better understanding of how it all works than most, so maybe I shouldn’t worry. But then again I also thought at one point in time that gluing my swimsuit on my butt to keep it from creeping up my ass in a pageant was a good idea, so my judgment is a little clouded.

And also…SHENANIGANS on fallen hems. My suits, for some reason, have decided that my left pant leg needs to be 2 inches longer than my right pant leg and have let the hems loose. Of course I wouldn’t be domestic enough to have a needle and thread just lying around my apartment so I have to wait until I can get up to my mom’s and borrow some stuff from her so I can re-hem my pant legs. It’ll happen, I just don’t know when. Probably not anytime soon. So I’m going to just wear my damn suits with the one long pant leg and claim polio or something.

The funniest story in the news this week was on the Pioneer Press website where this guy is trying to claim police brutality from the Newport Police Department. Now I read the article and I really don’t know what sort of brutality he’s claiming, and I don’t really have an opinion on it, but in the picture he’s holding a sign that says “Newport Gestapo” and I totally want in. I think I’d make a pretty awesome tyrannical leader.* I’d also like to point out the alliteration with my name, which I think would be an awesome Mob Boss nickname, unlike people with nicknames like “Bobby Phones,” “Cheesebox,” and “Yeast Baron.”**

I’d also like to call SHENANIGANS on my disrupted sleep pattern. I can’t fall asleep before 2:00am anytime. And I wake up pretty much at the same time every day and then right around 3:00 I start to feel like I need a nap, but I don’t take one. And then by 6:00 I’m wide awake again until usually between 2:30-3:30 in the morning when I can finally sleep until I wake up again at 6:30. I feel like I’m back in college. It’s wearing me out. I am sure a lot of it is finals (my last one tonight at 6:00pm!) and the stress of graduation and all that good stuff but BALLS, is it really to much to ask for 6, maybe 8 hours of sleep? Just once? I was all ready to go to bed around 10:00pm tonight, but my body said NOOOO, NO, EAT MORE POP TARTS! DRINK MORE WATER! WATCH THREE EPISODES OF LAW AND ORDER SVU! WRITE A BLOG! And really, who am I to question to glory that is Chris Meloni, aka Elliot Stabler, when he’s on my TiVo.

The pool at the apartment is open, but sadly the beautiful weather we had earlier occurred pre-pool opening and now it is really too chilly to be outside in almost-no-clothes-in-water-with-a-breeze-and-no-sun, so the pool will have to wait until nicer days appear. And I have two new swimsuits for the season! Hoorays! I am looking forward to parading around in my bikini right next to a busy street where everyone can look in and see me! AWESOME! (but seriously I do want to swim in the pool.)

So there’s that. Any takers on the hug? Please?

*please note that while the general understanding of “Gestapo” refers to the collective group of naughtiness by the Nazis during WWII, in today’s world, it is used colloquially for other organizations which are felt to be tyrannical.

**Actual Mobsters. No lie. I mean Yeast Baron?! Really? Some people’s kids.